So I went away for work these past couple months. Outdoor
work, physical work, remote work. It was a really good move for me actually
because it got me away from bullshit drama, gossip and basically any demons
that I still had. I was away from anyone or anything that had been causing me
any bit of anguish or stress and was in an environment so far removed and so
busy that my mind was able to truly escape. Because of this I can say that I’m
happier, in a better place and have resolved a lot of issues I may have had, be
it with my thoughts on my ex, my friends or myself.
Due to the physical nature of the job I ate whatever was
made for me and didn’t really bother to think of what it would do, such as how
healthy it was or if it would cause me to gain weight, because it was simply
fuel for the work I needed to do. I ended up losing weight and putting on a
fair bit of muscle this way actually. Now that I’m done that work I put some
weight back on since I didn’t curb the eating habits, so I believe that this recent
gain and going back into society might have spurred a desire to lose weight
again. Being surrounded by mirrors and people who actually care about their
appearance can definitely take their toll on one’s self esteem and will shape
how a person thinks they ought to look.
Little aspects of my disordered mind did stay with me
however. Comments upon my weight loss did not simply pass by but rather were
treasured, as recognition by others for something is sickeningly fulfilling.
There was a situation that made me realize how fucked I can
be in many ways. There was a guy, a good friend of mine, but also someone who I
would mess around with if we were both high on hash. It stayed pg-13, nothing
progressing further for a multitude of reasons that will be explained in a
later post, but it had a level of intimacy on an emotional level to be sure.
He
was very lean and tall and by his own admittance had a type which suited his
look; tall, super skinny, big boobs, pretty face, shorter dark hair. Now I do
not fit that, not in the slightest, a fact we both were not shy admitting to. I
am by no means tall, especially not in the legs as he so prefers and I am
definitely not the super skinny type, which was something I could not help but
think of when I was with him. That stung a little, making me wonder how he felt
about my body if he had been with these types of girls who have the bodies most
women vie for.
He later did comment however that I was very refreshing, as I
was not riddled with insecurities and came across confident, independent and
assertive (for lack of a better word, a word neither of us found even with
searching). I was slightly confused by this as I don’t consider myself to be
that kind of person, but I suppose I must not see myself the way others do. Or perhaps
this trip helped me grow into my own a little bit. I also loved how he loved my
collar bones. He mentioned it one day, tracing them with his fingers lazily and
then his lips, that I had beautiful collar bones. It was a strange little
comment that I cherished, as he would be the type to appreciate the delicate
form of bone under skin, as he was accustomed to thin girls, but also the fact
that it was on me, who clearly isn’t within that realm. He was interesting to
say the least. More about him, how it started and what happened with him later.
While I was away a good friend of mine would contact me
occasionally and we would talk, but often I would hear her bitching about how
she had gained weight and “let herself get even fatter than before”. I have mentioned this friend before, saying
that she often serves as a sort of reverse thinspo for me, as awful as that may
sound. I knew her plan for the summer was to get into shape and lose weight, as
it always is, but I guess she just completely abandoned that goal or something
and just said fuck it. I have not seen her since I left but I saw one picture
she posted and from the looks of it she wasn’t kidding when she said she put on
weight. Who knows though.
I do think I am being a bit cruel in saying she just
gave up because I know she is trying to go to the gym regularly but I am not
sure of how hard, long or often she works out. There is also the matter of her
inability to control what she eats, which in my opinion is the real killer
considering I’ve seen her eat, not to sound like a bitch. The point of this was that having people
close to me gain weight now scares me a little bit, as if some irrational part
of my brain thinks its contagious. In all fairness you could argue bad habits
are so there may be some truth to that statement.
My mother however, still as tiny as ever, serves to motivate
me. She will always offer me some article of clothing of hers, like a cute pair
of shorts, telling me to try them on and that I can have them if I want.
Problem is, they are always like a size too small, or they’ll fit but be a
little too tight for comfort. I don’t know if she thinks I’m smaller than I am
or in some unlikely alternate universe kinda of way she is secretly fucking
with me and trying to make me feel like shit .I don’t actually think that, just
to clarify, but the effect is the same nonetheless.
I do now realize that I don’t just want to be thin, but
rather fit and toned. This seems obvious but I have never been a huge fan of
the skinny fat look and I recently came upon it close up. I visited my cousin
who has always had an amazing figure, toned and fit, but now she let herself go
and is clearly skinny fat, not much bigger than before but significantly less
attractive. Seeing the change up close on someone I know well really drove the
point home.
Anyways, this has been incredibly long and ramble-y but I
needed to write for my own sake. I won’t be able to include pics with my posts,
except for ones I take with my phone, as I’m using a family computer for the
next week or so. After that I’ll try to include some thinspo, and fitspo too,
which I am really into right now.
Either way, I’m back, wanting to change myself but I feel
less self destructive and much more positive about doing so.
