This weekend

Had a great weekend. We constantly had people over at our apartment from out of town as well as friends in the area drinking and partying from Thursday afternoon till Sunday. St Patty's was great.

So much alcohol, drugs and cigarettes it was ridiculous. I don't think any of us have ever stayed consistently fucked up for that long before. because we would crash for a couple hours, wake up still intoxicated and keep going.

So bad for you but so much fun. We were like this big weird loving family for the weekend, where everyone got along, felt like they knew each other for years and took care of one another.

Anyways needless to say the ABC diet went out the window for these past few days. I'm just going to pick it up where I left off.

Calories for the day: 400

Intake: Cereal and milk: 230

An email from the ex

Shit. Shit. SHIT!

I'm posting this so you guys know why I'm partcularily disturbed right now.

I made a post about my ex 3 days ago. It was basically me being incredibly psychotic, jealous and upset over some pictures he took and I posted these pictures to help make my point. I didn't really think anything of it.

Then I checked my email today.

There was an email there from yesterday. From the ex.

He found me.

I stupidly posted those pictures and it led him to my blog. I don't really understand how but just 2 days after that post I got an email from him.

So, now he knows about my blog. Meaning there is a possibility he may see this or anything else I post after this. I don't know if he enjoys the emotional pain from creeping as much as I do, so he may or may not decide to never look at my blog again.  Who knows.

Anyways. This is the email I got received from him. (If he sees this it'll probably piss him off too, but I figure I'm already fucked so who cares)

"Take my company photos off your website. The fact that they are on there means you are ignoring the copyright terms set on every photo I post online.

Im serious, take them down or you will hear from my lawyer.

And by the way, its a 38 year old mother of two, not bianca. My nude set is to show that people can be beautiful no matter what age or size. And yea it was actually inspired by my heartlessness when i called you fat.

And yes, I will die alone and miserable.  No im not sleeping with bianca, nor have I ever touched her.

If i can find my photos online, that means other people can too. Just cuz you cropped out my logo doesn't mean they aren't easily recognizeable which means you're slandering me and my company.  I want the photos off.

Take comfort in the fact that my lonely miserable death isn't far away. And no, there was only you, will only be you, so yea fuck it. Bye

Thank you,"

So I took the pictures down. 

And hyperventilated and had an epic freak out. And then cried a bit.

This was the one place I felt completely safe in saying anything I wanted and felt like I could completely honest. This was the one place I could admit how fucking screwed up I am. 

He was probably the last person I ever wanted to see that post. He already knew I was crazy but I really could have done without this. Your ex isn't supposed to know how you really feel, they aren't supposed to know you creep them, or that you still have bad days because of them, or that you haven't moved on. 

Now I don't know what to do.  

Any advise or comments would be helpful. Anything really. 

FML

ABC Diet -Day 3: Going out to dinner is the worst

Failed to stay under the cal limit for today because I went out to dinner with my mother and some people she works with. They were meeting in town and her boss invited me so I felt obliged to go (I've known him for years). And I wanted to see my mom.

At dinner when I said I was thinking of a salad she told me to get something else, as it was kind of a waste to get something like that when going out to eat. Also I was worried it would be weird to barely eat anything or to refuse a starter salad, considering we were out with her colleagues.

I’m kind of mad at myself for eating that much at dinner but when I got the rest of my food packaged to take home my mom commented how I had a lot leftover still and must not have eaten much or been very hungry.  I just told her it’s because I wanted leftovers, because then I wouldn’t have to cook later and could save time. 

I just want to live in my little bubble where I can eat what I want, or not eat, without feeling like people are judging, putting pressure on me to do what is considered “normal”, or make me feel like I have to make excuses for the things I do.

Calorie Limit: 300

Intake:

Diet pepsi- 0

Gum- 10

Chicken Harissa- ate about half, but mainly ate the veggies and some chicken, skipped most of the rice, so I’m going to guess ~350 based on the nutritional information online

House salad w light lemon dressing- ~150

Hopefully the day went better for the rest of you.

Since I went over my cals for today by about 210 I’m going to make tomorrow a 200 cal day rather than the allotted 400 cals.

This afternoon I almost binged but resisted because I knew I would end up going over my cal limit already because of dinner plans with my mom.

Occasionally my house gets pizza on Wednesdays, because it is super cheap and I was able to say no to it. I almost caved though,. I was starving because I was saving my cals for later and it looked so good.

I realized how awkward it is to be the only one not eating in a room full of people all digging in. Luckily I had the excuse of dinner plans later on. It must sound like I live with people who eat a lot of junk, which isn’t really true, but when they do get junk they can seemingly afford to as they workout regularly.

I did however buy a 2L carton of chocolate milk and it is sitting in my fridge unopened. I almost had some today but then I looked and saw it was 170 cals for 1 cup. That seems like a lot so I figure that when I have it I’ll try and water it down. I know that sounds kind of gross but I figure it’s a compromise between having what I want and still restricting.

I also found these meal replacement things my mom bought me awhile back. They are about the only kind I can have because of my allergies. I’m thinking of incorporating those into my diet, because they are supposed to be nutritious and contain all these vitamins and minerals, but they are ~270 cals for one. Might have to add more water, that way I can have one for the day but split into multiple meals. More filling and hydrating.

Finally done midterms. Two more papers to go this month, then finals in April and I’m done for the year.

I really need to get a job for the summer though. And a research position in a lab. Getting prepared for that is my goal for tonight.

ABC Diet- Day 2

It's been a good day. 

Wrote my midterm this afternoon, ran errands, stayed under my cal limit for today. 

Calorie Limit: 500

Intake: ~350

- 1 Mini egg: 16

- 1 light beer: 115

- Mushroom soup: 200

- Vitamin C chews: 20

I know it seems silly that I would have some of that stuff while trying to lose weight, but I let myself if I can fit it in so it doesn't mess things up.

Like the beer for example. Stupid thing to drink, but so worth it. 

I had gone shopping for random St. Patty’s Day stuff (like necklaces and leg warmers) with my housemates and we ended up doing a beer run. Gorgeous day, we were having fun, laughing, wishing summer was here. None of us could resist sitting outside and having a nice cold beer when we got home. It was almost like a weird way to wish in the nice weather. St. Patty’s day is a big thing for us because it is our last real big occasion until the end of the year.

I was somewhat behaved today though. I didn't cave and get McDonald's, even though I was there with the rest of the girls in the line, so I don’t feel too bad about the beer. As long as I stay under my calorie limit for the day I feel I’m okay. 

I would like the calories I have to be healthy calories but that doesn’t always happen it seems. I think I"m going to make that my new goal; to try and eat only healthy, clean, natural foods. No junk or processed crap even if I can stay within my cal limit eating crap. 

I also have a rule of no eating after 8pm now. I know this is a pretty standard guideline, but it has never been something I've followed. I'm bad for eating a lot at night so I figured this might help. 

My mom is going to be visiting in town tomorrow and wants to go out for dinner so I’ll have to figure that out. I'm thinking salmon or something of the sort, and I'll only have half and bring the rest home. 

Going out to eat when I'm trying to restrict is the worst. 

Anyways, I'm off to finish studying for my midterm tomorrow. 

ABC Diet -Day 1

Trying the ABC diet again. Perfect timing with summer right around the corner.

Calorie limit: 500

Intake:
-Vitamin C chew- 5
- Large Double Double Coffee- 250

I was horrified when I looked up the nutrition information for the coffee I just drank and found out how many calories were in it. 250 cals for a coffee!!! I can say for sure that I won't be drinking those anymore.

I went out and bought some stuff for St. Pattys Day today.

I got this pair of ridiculous white and green high-waisted shorts with shamrocks on them. Size 4. I fit into them but they would definitely look much better if I was down a few pounds. So with that in mind I'm really hoping to see a loss before Saturday.

Just in case that doesn't happen I also got a bright green over-sized shirt to wear with them so I have something to cover the major problem areas. I just need to figure out what I want to do with the shirt, like how to modify it so it looks less like I'm swimming in fabric while still covering the parts that need to be covered.

My family and weight concerns

I read a post by Gymnast about her family and it really struck me. 


My older sister is/was anorexic (she is in recovery right now, but I don't really think the thoughts ever really go away so I am reluctant to use the past tense). I just remember finding her stash of diet pills and laxatives when I was younger, and noticing her changed eating and exercise patterns.


 I knew what she was doing because I was doing it too, only I was better at hiding it but much less successful at losing weight. To this day I hide this part of myself from my family. Why would they suspect I have "abnormal" thoughts and eating patterns if I'm not underweight. 

 My own mother used to go on extremely low calorie cleanse diets with my sister to lose weight. I couldn't due to allergies but I was envious of their weight loss. In the past my mother has suggested weight loss competitions for my sister, herself and I. They both workout consistently, are always reading weight loss material, talk about weight loss techniques or diets, and mention how they feel about their current weight and their need to lose weight. 


I just feel like the women in our house are ruled by our weight, and that I am no exception.


Even my father, he comments on the calories in certain foods and what foods are healthy or unhealthy. He exercises multiple times a week and talks about it being important to be in shape. He makes comments noting and congratulating weight loss. 


My family just seems to be hyper-aware of eating and weight, so I'm not surprised I am as well. I would like to note that my family has never pressured me to lose weight or purposely made cruel comments about my weight but I always have felt a weird silent pressure. 

Things from your past haunting you *PICTURES REMOVED*

This is a long one. About my ex. About the new girl he has, or I think he has. And the sex he must be having. And about me, and how I want to cry when I think about it. And about how I can't stop thinking about it.

This is about things from your past haunting you.

It's been about 9 months since I've spoken to him. 9 months since I saw him and we slept together that one last time in the summer. There has been no communication in 9 months.

A year ago we stopped speaking civilly so the thing 9 months ago was a stupid misguided fluke.

We had been dating for about two and a half years and then broke up. Long distance complications, cancelled plans for him to move, jealousy issues. Even though we broke up at the end of my first year away at university I was home for the summer so we continued to talk, sleep together, fight, text and almost get back together all summer. When I went back to school for second year we decided to see how it would go.

This year of not-dating/dating was hell because we weren't officially together but felt like we were so jealousy drove both of us crazy, mostly him, but for me there was this one girl. Lets call her "B".

She was a friend of mine, not so bright, opened her legs for every guy who looked her way, and wanted my on-off ex to take pictures of her. She said she was a model, yet had no experience and was too short.

Bikini pictures, and then pictures of her in a bra, pictures of her in underwear, pictures in barely there dresses, ect. You get the point though, all the pictures they ever took together involved her being half naked or in some sort of sexual pose.

I'm not sure if it was her idea or his, all I know is that they both seemed all too willing to take these pictures. Early on when I still was speaking to them they both denied that they were doing anything wrong and that it was "professional". I'm not so sure now, not that I ever was.

We stopped trying to make it work, in February/March last year. The pictures got worse.

There was a lingerie picture taken in his bed. I know by the sheets. Do you pose in lingerie in someones bed if it is professional? Do you pose in lingerie in someones bed if nothing is going on? This upsets me because I used to be the one he took pictures of. He loved taking my picture. It also really turned him on to take pictures in bed, especially before or during sex. That's what leads me to believe they're fucking.

And then the nude pictures. I'm not 100%  sure these are "B" because she gained weight recently and this girl looks too thin to be her, but "B" is the most likely candidate. If it is "B" this takes the situation from bad to worse because I especially hate her.

 There is no way you go over to someones house, get completely naked and let them take pictures of you if nothing is going on. Some people may be able to be nude and professional but I know this girl and I doubt it. I also know him, and if these are the pictures he is posting then there must be much worse pictures. These pictures would be like foreplay, so I can only imagine the graphic kind of pictures he must have of her.
EDIT: after talking to a friend who knows "B" it is likely this is not her, but some other girl. Still sucks tho.

I know this shouldn't upset me. I don't want to be with him. I'm not in love with him anymore. He broke my heart with the things he did;  threatening to release pictures he had of me, saying horrible things attacking anything I cared about, and even once said " I'm glad you got fat" (In all fairness I had gained weight but have now lost it all and more ). The idea of him being with someone else, especially sleeping with someone else makes me feeling like crying though.

He was the kind of guy that always said that option for us getting back together was always on the table as long as I didn't sleep with someone else. In my mind this always meant that sex, for either of us was a big step to show that we were over each other, and done with one another.

When I slept with him again 9 months ago he told me that he had gone on a date and kissed a girl and that it felt awful and weird because it wasn't me, so I didn't think I had to worry about him moving on. I don't want to sound like he was obsessed with me but it was a really hard break-up for both of us and seemed like it would take us both a long time to get over.

That's what I thought at least. But if he is taking these pictures, I just have this feeling he is having sex. And if he is having sex it means he is over me.

This sounds completely childish but I was supposed to be the one who moved on first. I was supposed to be the one to have sex first. After the break up things were going well for me, I lost weight, got everything in order and basically fixed my life whereas he got depressed and started isolating himself, so I guess i just thought I would be the one to really move on first.

Part of me wants him to die miserable and alone, and part of me is glad that he moved on and isn't stuck on me anymore but the idea of the one person you ever really cared about finding someone else is just depressing. Especially when you haven't.

I feel like most people don't have the privilege of seeing who their ex is fucking or what the new girl looks like naked, because without that to wonder about it lets you think about things like "is she better than me".

Everyone tells me I shouldn't care. But I do. Everyone tells me I shouldn't look at what he posts. I can't help myself. I feel the need to know even though I know it it will upset me.

Cried and ate chocolate cheesecake last night about it. I'm so pathetic sometimes.

Rainy day

It's a little dreary outside today with all the rain, but I'm kind of happy that it's raining, just because then it's not snowing. I'm so ready for spring. The idea of not being able to hide under layers of clothing freaks me out but I do like the look of lighter clothing better most of the time and I hate wearing socks and closed-toe footwear so I guess it evens out.

I woke up this morning with a loss so I'm quite happy about that. I've been restricting my cals to 300-800 which seems a little high to me sometimes but it makes eating less not feel like a challenge and wards off binges. 

I'll be going to see a play tonight with some people and it's supposed to be well done so I"m looking forward to that. It should also keep my busy and out of the house, which I find are key to keeping from eating out of boredom.

Busy Busy Busy

I've been crazy busy lately and neglecting posting so I feel this is long overdue. Despite that I still come and read new posts every morning (well actually like every time I'm on the computer).

Things that have happened recently: midterm, grandfather passed away, midterm, friend having a break down which included suicidal ideation and self-mutilation, more midterms, friend drama, family time, even more midterms, large lab reports, and once again, midterms. And still more midterms and lab reports to come. 

I use the term "midterm" despite it no longer being the middle of the term anymore but that's what they are according to my profs. I personally think its strange to call something a "midterm" when finals start mid April but I suppose that's just semantics. 

I'm applying to work in one of the labs under my favorite prof this summer so I need to get on that and get my  CV touched up. I also need to get a summer job that actually pays. I have less than a month to get everything in order for the next couple months.

Despite being busy and having some less than pleasant things happen, I'm doing alright these days. I've been focusing more on maintenance rather than loss in the past little while. I would love to have lost weight but with everything that was going on restricting turned out to be a fairly difficult task, especially with having been at home for the break. 

How things look these day for me. 

I have a lot to do.

These days I'm hoping to get back into things . I usually have a fruit in the morning, some light soup for lunch and chicken and veggies for dinner, and coffee whenever I want. I'll modify it from there but that's the basic idea. I can't go to the gym right now because I need to get my student card replaced but if it warms up I'd like to do jogging outside.