Things from your past haunting you *PICTURES REMOVED*

This is a long one. About my ex. About the new girl he has, or I think he has. And the sex he must be having. And about me, and how I want to cry when I think about it. And about how I can't stop thinking about it.

This is about things from your past haunting you.

It's been about 9 months since I've spoken to him. 9 months since I saw him and we slept together that one last time in the summer. There has been no communication in 9 months.

A year ago we stopped speaking civilly so the thing 9 months ago was a stupid misguided fluke.

We had been dating for about two and a half years and then broke up. Long distance complications, cancelled plans for him to move, jealousy issues. Even though we broke up at the end of my first year away at university I was home for the summer so we continued to talk, sleep together, fight, text and almost get back together all summer. When I went back to school for second year we decided to see how it would go.

This year of not-dating/dating was hell because we weren't officially together but felt like we were so jealousy drove both of us crazy, mostly him, but for me there was this one girl. Lets call her "B".

She was a friend of mine, not so bright, opened her legs for every guy who looked her way, and wanted my on-off ex to take pictures of her. She said she was a model, yet had no experience and was too short.

Bikini pictures, and then pictures of her in a bra, pictures of her in underwear, pictures in barely there dresses, ect. You get the point though, all the pictures they ever took together involved her being half naked or in some sort of sexual pose.

I'm not sure if it was her idea or his, all I know is that they both seemed all too willing to take these pictures. Early on when I still was speaking to them they both denied that they were doing anything wrong and that it was "professional". I'm not so sure now, not that I ever was.

We stopped trying to make it work, in February/March last year. The pictures got worse.

There was a lingerie picture taken in his bed. I know by the sheets. Do you pose in lingerie in someones bed if it is professional? Do you pose in lingerie in someones bed if nothing is going on? This upsets me because I used to be the one he took pictures of. He loved taking my picture. It also really turned him on to take pictures in bed, especially before or during sex. That's what leads me to believe they're fucking.

And then the nude pictures. I'm not 100%  sure these are "B" because she gained weight recently and this girl looks too thin to be her, but "B" is the most likely candidate. If it is "B" this takes the situation from bad to worse because I especially hate her.

 There is no way you go over to someones house, get completely naked and let them take pictures of you if nothing is going on. Some people may be able to be nude and professional but I know this girl and I doubt it. I also know him, and if these are the pictures he is posting then there must be much worse pictures. These pictures would be like foreplay, so I can only imagine the graphic kind of pictures he must have of her.
EDIT: after talking to a friend who knows "B" it is likely this is not her, but some other girl. Still sucks tho.

I know this shouldn't upset me. I don't want to be with him. I'm not in love with him anymore. He broke my heart with the things he did;  threatening to release pictures he had of me, saying horrible things attacking anything I cared about, and even once said " I'm glad you got fat" (In all fairness I had gained weight but have now lost it all and more ). The idea of him being with someone else, especially sleeping with someone else makes me feeling like crying though.

He was the kind of guy that always said that option for us getting back together was always on the table as long as I didn't sleep with someone else. In my mind this always meant that sex, for either of us was a big step to show that we were over each other, and done with one another.

When I slept with him again 9 months ago he told me that he had gone on a date and kissed a girl and that it felt awful and weird because it wasn't me, so I didn't think I had to worry about him moving on. I don't want to sound like he was obsessed with me but it was a really hard break-up for both of us and seemed like it would take us both a long time to get over.

That's what I thought at least. But if he is taking these pictures, I just have this feeling he is having sex. And if he is having sex it means he is over me.

This sounds completely childish but I was supposed to be the one who moved on first. I was supposed to be the one to have sex first. After the break up things were going well for me, I lost weight, got everything in order and basically fixed my life whereas he got depressed and started isolating himself, so I guess i just thought I would be the one to really move on first.

Part of me wants him to die miserable and alone, and part of me is glad that he moved on and isn't stuck on me anymore but the idea of the one person you ever really cared about finding someone else is just depressing. Especially when you haven't.

I feel like most people don't have the privilege of seeing who their ex is fucking or what the new girl looks like naked, because without that to wonder about it lets you think about things like "is she better than me".

Everyone tells me I shouldn't care. But I do. Everyone tells me I shouldn't look at what he posts. I can't help myself. I feel the need to know even though I know it it will upset me.

Cried and ate chocolate cheesecake last night about it. I'm so pathetic sometimes.