Stressed, self-hating and fat

This made me laugh when I saw it. Couldn't resist sharing because I feel as though I have in fact said that before.

Speaking of...

I've been on this awful bingeing rampage lately. It started on Friday when I went drinking with friends and got drunk food, and then a house movie marathon for Saturday and Sunday where we all just sat around and ate because we were bored (the aforementioned “we” being my housemates, who go to the gym regularly, are in shape and can seemingly afford these kinds of binges with little consequence).

This binge eating pattern persisted even today and I really need to get it under control. I think it probably has to do a lot with PMS, based on a pattern I’ve noticed, but it should be avoidable and is therefore an unacceptable excuse in my books.

School stress is also a killer for me. I either eat anything and everything or I practically refuse to eat, both in a self hating kind of way when I’m stressed. Both are awful but at least with the latter option I don’t hate the effects on my body.

I was thinking about my current weight and my previous weights and it made me think. When I was at my heaviest, at about 165, I hated how I looked, which isn’t surprising as I was overweight. After losing about 20 pounds I was happy with how I looked. Then after being at that weight for awhile and realizing I could lose more weight, I became dissatisfied again. Now if I see my weight nearing 140 I begin to freak out, I think that I am incredibly obese and out of shape and that I’m letting myself turn back into what I was. When I was under 130 before I went on my trip I was happier with how I looked but still found many faults with myself. It just makes me wonder if I’ll ever be happy with myself and the way I look.  

Right now I’m between 140-135 depending on how much I’ve binged and I’m really unhappy about it and it causes me to freak out from time to time. I want to get back under 135 because I feel like 135 for me is the point where I go from “noticeably fat” to “the kind of fat where I can hide it so people don’t immediately notice”.  I just feel stressed, self-hating and fat right now.

                                                                                                                      

I just want to be back where I was before I went on my trip, which was below 130, and keep going from that point because I felt more motivated because I was closer to my goals and they seemed tangible rather than unrealistic.

I know it takes works to get what I want because nothing worthwhile comes easily, but I can wish can’t I?