Obligatory Holiday Post

Yeah basically this is what I'd like for Christmas. Hopefully it works out that way, although for some reason I think it will require more effort on my part and less work done by Santa. 

Get excited for holiday pictures. This is quickly going to turn into a Victoria Secret pictures post because they are generally the only ones who have pictures in holiday themed outfits haha.

I never post pictures of them because I find how they look intimidating but they really are gorgeous. But I guess that's obvious too.

Haha love.

Anyways, I'll wish you all Happy Holidays now because I am sure I'll get sidetracked closer to Christmas, when things really get busy.

I'm hoping to look good for Christmas Eve. I wish you all luck in doing the same. 

Size Preference

Size 8, 12 and 14

Based on an online survey majority of votes went to the size 12 woman, with 41% saying that she had the body shape of their “ideal girlfriend”. Almost as many men voted for the size 14 model. A piddling 20% of readers selected our size eight model pictured as their ideal girl.

I have always understood from listening to men talk that they enjoy curves, but so many men drool over the toned and fit bodies of women that I find it confusing as to what they really want. On one hand you have some men saying they don't want women stick thin, but then they still seem to really appreciate the body of a thin, toned, fit woman. It always seems to be those women who are labelled "hot", and not the girl who is a bit curvier. These curvier women can still be beautiful, and are acknowledged as so, but it seems that their appeal is somehow less than that of the "fit" women. 

Also, some men seem to be incredibly critical of women and their weight saying that they would never date a "chunky" girl, and refer to women who are still within a normal weight, albeit on the higher end of the range. This is a whole other issue in itself but the fact that this happens says something. 

Are women desiring to be smaller, thinner and lighter than what is considered to be the ideal size by men? Do men really want a slightly curvier woman?

I feel as thought these men who say they would prefer the middle sized woman would jump at the chance to be with the smaller woman over the larger woman. Who knows though?

Professor Marika Tiggemann from Flinders University said that the results supported academic research on the topic.

"We find women want to be thinner than what men find attractive. Men's idea of what is 'thin' is larger than that of women. Unfortunately, a lot of people think being thin demonstrates being in control or being disciplined, while being fat is a sign you're weak."

The editor of women's magazine Cleo, Nedahl Stelio, said that most women did not diet for men but for other women.

"Most men I know would go for more boob over thinner thighs, but women, by nature, are competitive with other women. And if the society and celebrity ideal is thin, that's what she's going to aspire to, just to get one up on other women."

She said that women embarked on extreme diets or developed eating disorders for a number of reasons, and it was over simplistic to attribute such behavior to a bid to appeal to the opposite sex.

"It is very, very complex and it is certainly not just brought about because some people desire to be thin in some sort of effort to attract men. People develop eating disorders for a wide variety of reasons, including low self-esteem and family history of depressive illness" 

So are women really just driving themselves crazy over what other women think? I think this is definitely something to consider. How many times have we thought of going to see female friends of ours and put in extra effort to look effortlessly striking. Women can be judgmental so it sometimes makes me feel as though I need to look amazing, thin, beautiful and put together. I wonder what other women have thought or said about my appearance and weight behind my back.

However I do know that I have had similar thoughts about men. I put in effort for them as well and wonder about their evaluation of me. Some men I know have commented on my change in appearance or weight before so I know they are not blind to it. Do they really not prefer the smaller woman?

Perhaps I am too self conscious and worried about what others think of my appearance and weight because I am too concerned with my weight and what I look like. 

I still cannot shake the feeling that men would prefer me at a smaller size and more toned and fit, despite what this say. 

Weight Stereotyping

 A study was done at  Yale which showed that discrimination against heavier individuals had increased to about 66%. 

Glamour magazine then conducted a study about weight stereotyping:

"We asked respondents to imagine a woman whom they had never met and knew nothing about except that she was “overweight” or “thin”; they then had to choose from pairs of words, like ambitious or lazy, to describe her. They could select neither, but fewer than half did—a telling statistic"

Basically our weight has a lot to do with how we are judged and cause people to make a lot of assumptions about us, our personalities, our work ethic, ect.

Weight Stereotyping: The Secret Way People Are Judging You Based on Your Body

 “Sloppy.” “Lazy.” “Slow.” Franki Northern-King gets the message loud constantly. and clear, and “I’ve been called all those things—and let’s not forget ‘stinky,’” says the 32-year-old business-management student from Huntington, West Virginia. “At 5'3" and 250 pounds, I’m reminded of my weight 50 times a day by store clerks, coworkers, family, boyfriends, you name it,” says Northern-King, who goes to school full-time and works 20 hours a week to earn tuition money. “I feel like people have forgotten how to see the human being.”

Shocking? Maybe. But the judging wouldn’t surprise Elise Maggioncalda, 24, who works at a neuroscience lab in Charleston, South Carolina. She’s experienced it too, even though she’s eight inches taller and 120 pounds lighter. “I’m really aware of being stereotyped as an uptight, controlling, unwomanly, bitchy person,” she says, “and all kinds of people do it, from waitresses commenting on my order to shoppers at the supermarket. I’m not walking around with a scowl on my face, but it’s completely obvious they’re hating on me.” 

Images like the one above send a clear message. 

Books are Judged By Their Covers

"Many view their fellow man through the lens of “skinny, sneaky bitches/bastards” and “big, fat, lazy pigs.” While that perception is far from reality, it unfortunately is what it is. If you are obese many are going to judge you as sloppy, lacking self-control and weak. This includes employers, who studies show pay fat workers less based on the negative perceptions noted … if they hire them at all."

I personally find these finding kind of disturbing but not necessarily shocking. I have always thought these things, but about myself. I'll look at myself and think that others will think i'm lazy, stupid, and undisciplined because of my weight, and that they would be more inclined to think I am smart, ambitious and competent if i am thin and fit. I find these finding unsettling because it confirms that those beliefs I have about weight influencing others evaluation of who I am. 

Sources

Glamour Article: http://www.glamour.com/health-fitness/2012/05/weight-stereotyping-the-secret-way-people-are-judging-you-based-on-your-body-glamour-june-2012

Review Article: http://heyfatassguide.com/tag/skinny-bitches/

New Years Eve Dress

Went shopping today and bought a dress for New Years Eve. So far the plan is to meet up with a bunch of friends and go to some sort of event. We decided against doing the typical house party thing. It'll be nice to dress up and go do something different.

Here is the dress. We are all going to be doing something with sequins just for fun.

Why not? It's NYE!

Hopefully we will all be looking our best :)

Now some pics:

Girl crush- Emma Stone and weight loss

I have the biggest girl crush on Emma Stone. I think she's hilarious, genuine, gorgeous and just amazing.

 I also noticed that she has lost weight over the years. Likely due to becoming more famous, Hollywood pressure and just growing up.

Before

 In the move House Bunny

After

 She was never overly big to begin with but she lost the extra fat and looks slimmer/ more toned without being scary thin. I find this inspiring because it shows exactly what I'd like to do myself. There are some awesome pictures of people losing a lot of weight but unless the starting and finishing weights are around where I was/ where I would like to be I find it harder to relate to.

Some other celebs that dropped some weight:

Arm fat

I hate arm fat. Its just cruel because it's so hard to hide. You can cover it up but people still know its there and if you don't cover it up people really know it's there. Arms can really change the look of an dress/top/outfit.

My personal opinion of these two aside. One has "toned" arms and the other has "fat" arms, proportionally speaking.

I don't think Hilary's arms are actually that fat its just that they lack definition and have always been slightly larger. Either way, I know which arms I'd prefer.

There is just something about larger arms that really makes it noticeable that someone has gained weight.

In the picture above I find i really focus on the arms. In the picture below her arms weren't all that skinny compared to the rest of her body so I think it must be the change in shape/amount of fat rather than actual size.

Anyways.

I know I rambled on about arm fat for awhile its just that arm fat is the indicator that I have gained to much weight. I am prone to fluctuating but once it reached the point where my arms look fat I know I let myself go.

fucking arm fat. grr.

Miley changed

This is old news but still.

Not a fan of her but my thoughts about Miley aside, I really like how her body looks now and how she changed it. I know some people think she went to far with the weight loss or isn't losing weight in a healthy way but I actually think it looks really good.

Like I am a fan of the shoulder chest area in this dress. I really like that look for whatever reason.

 I think she looks awesome in the after pictures. Before I always felt she had a tendency to look a little bloated and trashy but now she looks great. Just my opinion but I'd love to have her body.

3 months of pent up thoughts

So I went away for work these past couple months. Outdoor work, physical work, remote work. It was a really good move for me actually because it got me away from bullshit drama, gossip and basically any demons that I still had. I was away from anyone or anything that had been causing me any bit of anguish or stress and was in an environment so far removed and so busy that my mind was able to truly escape. Because of this I can say that I’m happier, in a better place and have resolved a lot of issues I may have had, be it with my thoughts on my ex, my friends or myself.

Due to the physical nature of the job I ate whatever was made for me and didn’t really bother to think of what it would do, such as how healthy it was or if it would cause me to gain weight, because it was simply fuel for the work I needed to do. I ended up losing weight and putting on a fair bit of muscle this way actually. Now that I’m done that work I put some weight back on since I didn’t curb the eating habits, so I believe that this recent gain and going back into society might have spurred a desire to lose weight again. Being surrounded by mirrors and people who actually care about their appearance can definitely take their toll on one’s self esteem and will shape how a person thinks they ought to look.

Little aspects of my disordered mind did stay with me however. Comments upon my weight loss did not simply pass by but rather were treasured, as recognition by others for something is sickeningly fulfilling.

There was a situation that made me realize how fucked I can be in many ways. There was a guy, a good friend of mine, but also someone who I would mess around with if we were both high on hash. It stayed pg-13, nothing progressing further for a multitude of reasons that will be explained in a later post, but it had a level of intimacy on an emotional level to be sure. 

He was very lean and tall and by his own admittance had a type which suited his look; tall, super skinny, big boobs, pretty face, shorter dark hair. Now I do not fit that, not in the slightest, a fact we both were not shy admitting to. I am by no means tall, especially not in the legs as he so prefers and I am definitely not the super skinny type, which was something I could not help but think of when I was with him. That stung a little, making me wonder how he felt about my body if he had been with these types of girls who have the bodies most women vie for. 

He later did comment however that I was very refreshing, as I was not riddled with insecurities and came across confident, independent and assertive (for lack of a better word, a word neither of us found even with searching). I was slightly confused by this as I don’t consider myself to be that kind of person, but I suppose I must not see myself the way others do. Or perhaps this trip helped me grow into my own a little bit. I also loved how he loved my collar bones. He mentioned it one day, tracing them with his fingers lazily and then his lips, that I had beautiful collar bones. It was a strange little comment that I cherished, as he would be the type to appreciate the delicate form of bone under skin, as he was accustomed to thin girls, but also the fact that it was on me, who clearly isn’t within that realm. He was interesting to say the least. More about him, how it started and what happened with him later.

While I was away a good friend of mine would contact me occasionally and we would talk, but often I would hear her bitching about how she had gained weight and “let herself get even fatter than before”.  I have mentioned this friend before, saying that she often serves as a sort of reverse thinspo for me, as awful as that may sound. I knew her plan for the summer was to get into shape and lose weight, as it always is, but I guess she just completely abandoned that goal or something and just said fuck it. I have not seen her since I left but I saw one picture she posted and from the looks of it she wasn’t kidding when she said she put on weight. Who knows though.

 I do think I am being a bit cruel in saying she just gave up because I know she is trying to go to the gym regularly but I am not sure of how hard, long or often she works out. There is also the matter of her inability to control what she eats, which in my opinion is the real killer considering I’ve seen her eat, not to sound like a bitch.  The point of this was that having people close to me gain weight now scares me a little bit, as if some irrational part of my brain thinks its contagious. In all fairness you could argue bad habits are so there may be some truth to that statement.

My mother however, still as tiny as ever, serves to motivate me. She will always offer me some article of clothing of hers, like a cute pair of shorts, telling me to try them on and that I can have them if I want. Problem is, they are always like a size too small, or they’ll fit but be a little too tight for comfort. I don’t know if she thinks I’m smaller than I am or in some unlikely alternate universe kinda of way she is secretly fucking with me and trying to make me feel like shit .I don’t actually think that, just to clarify, but the effect is the same nonetheless.

I do now realize that I don’t just want to be thin, but rather fit and toned. This seems obvious but I have never been a huge fan of the skinny fat look and I recently came upon it close up. I visited my cousin who has always had an amazing figure, toned and fit, but now she let herself go and is clearly skinny fat, not much bigger than before but significantly less attractive. Seeing the change up close on someone I know well really drove the point home.

Anyways, this has been incredibly long and ramble-y but I needed to write for my own sake. I won’t be able to include pics with my posts, except for ones I take with my phone, as I’m using a family computer for the next week or so. After that I’ll try to include some thinspo, and fitspo too, which I am really into right now.

Either way, I’m back, wanting to change myself but I feel less self destructive and much more positive about doing so.

Quick update

Weight: 143.5

Back after a long time away

So it's been awhile since I posted and I must apologize for that, but my absence wasn't just due to laziness or forgetfulness. I've been away in a fairly remote area for work with limited Internet access for the past 3 months and have been incredibly busy. I am back in civilization now and will be home soon. I couldn't wait to post this, seeing as I am currently in bed posting from my phone. Being back in society and being subject to everyday influences (be it Facebook, the media, friends and frenemies, or simply seeing mirrors again) has brought me back to where I always seem to return. Not so much a physical place, but rather a state of mind which has proven to be only escapable for a short matter of time. A state of mind in which I may become overly critical of myself and my weight, a state on which I am conscious of my measurements and what I will or will not eat, a state in which I spend far too much time evaluating the bodies of others hoping I might look as they do. I dont really cate about the consequences of whatever it is that I feel now or whatever it is that brought me back here, I just know I'm back with a vengeance, so to speak. I have my goal as always,  I'm just focused again. 

Will do a formal debriefing and post later. Couldn't help myself. Needed to post. 

This weekend

Had a great weekend. We constantly had people over at our apartment from out of town as well as friends in the area drinking and partying from Thursday afternoon till Sunday. St Patty's was great.

So much alcohol, drugs and cigarettes it was ridiculous. I don't think any of us have ever stayed consistently fucked up for that long before. because we would crash for a couple hours, wake up still intoxicated and keep going.

So bad for you but so much fun. We were like this big weird loving family for the weekend, where everyone got along, felt like they knew each other for years and took care of one another.

Anyways needless to say the ABC diet went out the window for these past few days. I'm just going to pick it up where I left off.

Calories for the day: 400

Intake: Cereal and milk: 230

An email from the ex

Shit. Shit. SHIT!

I'm posting this so you guys know why I'm partcularily disturbed right now.

I made a post about my ex 3 days ago. It was basically me being incredibly psychotic, jealous and upset over some pictures he took and I posted these pictures to help make my point. I didn't really think anything of it.

Then I checked my email today.

There was an email there from yesterday. From the ex.

He found me.

I stupidly posted those pictures and it led him to my blog. I don't really understand how but just 2 days after that post I got an email from him.

So, now he knows about my blog. Meaning there is a possibility he may see this or anything else I post after this. I don't know if he enjoys the emotional pain from creeping as much as I do, so he may or may not decide to never look at my blog again.  Who knows.

Anyways. This is the email I got received from him. (If he sees this it'll probably piss him off too, but I figure I'm already fucked so who cares)

"Take my company photos off your website. The fact that they are on there means you are ignoring the copyright terms set on every photo I post online.

Im serious, take them down or you will hear from my lawyer.

And by the way, its a 38 year old mother of two, not bianca. My nude set is to show that people can be beautiful no matter what age or size. And yea it was actually inspired by my heartlessness when i called you fat.

And yes, I will die alone and miserable.  No im not sleeping with bianca, nor have I ever touched her.

If i can find my photos online, that means other people can too. Just cuz you cropped out my logo doesn't mean they aren't easily recognizeable which means you're slandering me and my company.  I want the photos off.

Take comfort in the fact that my lonely miserable death isn't far away. And no, there was only you, will only be you, so yea fuck it. Bye

Thank you,"

So I took the pictures down. 

And hyperventilated and had an epic freak out. And then cried a bit.

This was the one place I felt completely safe in saying anything I wanted and felt like I could completely honest. This was the one place I could admit how fucking screwed up I am. 

He was probably the last person I ever wanted to see that post. He already knew I was crazy but I really could have done without this. Your ex isn't supposed to know how you really feel, they aren't supposed to know you creep them, or that you still have bad days because of them, or that you haven't moved on. 

Now I don't know what to do.  

Any advise or comments would be helpful. Anything really. 

FML

ABC Diet -Day 3: Going out to dinner is the worst

Failed to stay under the cal limit for today because I went out to dinner with my mother and some people she works with. They were meeting in town and her boss invited me so I felt obliged to go (I've known him for years). And I wanted to see my mom.

At dinner when I said I was thinking of a salad she told me to get something else, as it was kind of a waste to get something like that when going out to eat. Also I was worried it would be weird to barely eat anything or to refuse a starter salad, considering we were out with her colleagues.

I’m kind of mad at myself for eating that much at dinner but when I got the rest of my food packaged to take home my mom commented how I had a lot leftover still and must not have eaten much or been very hungry.  I just told her it’s because I wanted leftovers, because then I wouldn’t have to cook later and could save time. 

I just want to live in my little bubble where I can eat what I want, or not eat, without feeling like people are judging, putting pressure on me to do what is considered “normal”, or make me feel like I have to make excuses for the things I do.

Calorie Limit: 300

Intake:

Diet pepsi- 0

Gum- 10

Chicken Harissa- ate about half, but mainly ate the veggies and some chicken, skipped most of the rice, so I’m going to guess ~350 based on the nutritional information online

House salad w light lemon dressing- ~150

Hopefully the day went better for the rest of you.

Since I went over my cals for today by about 210 I’m going to make tomorrow a 200 cal day rather than the allotted 400 cals.

This afternoon I almost binged but resisted because I knew I would end up going over my cal limit already because of dinner plans with my mom.

Occasionally my house gets pizza on Wednesdays, because it is super cheap and I was able to say no to it. I almost caved though,. I was starving because I was saving my cals for later and it looked so good.

I realized how awkward it is to be the only one not eating in a room full of people all digging in. Luckily I had the excuse of dinner plans later on. It must sound like I live with people who eat a lot of junk, which isn’t really true, but when they do get junk they can seemingly afford to as they workout regularly.

I did however buy a 2L carton of chocolate milk and it is sitting in my fridge unopened. I almost had some today but then I looked and saw it was 170 cals for 1 cup. That seems like a lot so I figure that when I have it I’ll try and water it down. I know that sounds kind of gross but I figure it’s a compromise between having what I want and still restricting.

I also found these meal replacement things my mom bought me awhile back. They are about the only kind I can have because of my allergies. I’m thinking of incorporating those into my diet, because they are supposed to be nutritious and contain all these vitamins and minerals, but they are ~270 cals for one. Might have to add more water, that way I can have one for the day but split into multiple meals. More filling and hydrating.

Finally done midterms. Two more papers to go this month, then finals in April and I’m done for the year.

I really need to get a job for the summer though. And a research position in a lab. Getting prepared for that is my goal for tonight.

ABC Diet- Day 2

It's been a good day. 

Wrote my midterm this afternoon, ran errands, stayed under my cal limit for today. 

Calorie Limit: 500

Intake: ~350

- 1 Mini egg: 16

- 1 light beer: 115

- Mushroom soup: 200

- Vitamin C chews: 20

I know it seems silly that I would have some of that stuff while trying to lose weight, but I let myself if I can fit it in so it doesn't mess things up.

Like the beer for example. Stupid thing to drink, but so worth it. 

I had gone shopping for random St. Patty’s Day stuff (like necklaces and leg warmers) with my housemates and we ended up doing a beer run. Gorgeous day, we were having fun, laughing, wishing summer was here. None of us could resist sitting outside and having a nice cold beer when we got home. It was almost like a weird way to wish in the nice weather. St. Patty’s day is a big thing for us because it is our last real big occasion until the end of the year.

I was somewhat behaved today though. I didn't cave and get McDonald's, even though I was there with the rest of the girls in the line, so I don’t feel too bad about the beer. As long as I stay under my calorie limit for the day I feel I’m okay. 

I would like the calories I have to be healthy calories but that doesn’t always happen it seems. I think I"m going to make that my new goal; to try and eat only healthy, clean, natural foods. No junk or processed crap even if I can stay within my cal limit eating crap. 

I also have a rule of no eating after 8pm now. I know this is a pretty standard guideline, but it has never been something I've followed. I'm bad for eating a lot at night so I figured this might help. 

My mom is going to be visiting in town tomorrow and wants to go out for dinner so I’ll have to figure that out. I'm thinking salmon or something of the sort, and I'll only have half and bring the rest home. 

Going out to eat when I'm trying to restrict is the worst. 

Anyways, I'm off to finish studying for my midterm tomorrow.