What am I doing? *warning*

***I feel that I should have a warning for this post as it could be triggering. I don't want to set anyone off by having them read this, but I need to vent ***

On Saturday morning my weight was down to 128.8 which is good.

Except as it was Christmas Eve I not only skipped my workout to help my mom bake, I also proceeded to eat a lot of the cookies and appetizers. I then decided I had already ruined the day by eating that much so I went on a huge binge of pretty much everything. Then I feigned needing to go for a shower and purged.

Later that night I went on another binge and purged yet again.

I've pretty much been doing the same thing today. I haven't worked out today and have already  binged and purged 3 times already and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have dessert and purge later too.

I was doing so well  and all the sudden I fucked up. My throat really hurts, I saw some amount of blood and I know I should stop but it makes me feel so much better when I purge after I binge.

I feel like such a failure. Not only because I've started purging again, but because I know that purging doesn't get rid of all the food and those calories I didn't get rid of are probably going to make me gain weight.

Ambiguous Results

So since I've been home I've been doing some different workouts, which you would think would help a person lose weight, but since I've been home my weight has not changed at all.

I have been restricting and having the same amount of calories as I was having before I got home (with the exception of that one night) so its likely not what I'm eating that's doing it.

Actually I have found a good way to get out of eating dinner (the one meal where my parents are home and encourage me to eat). I just take a nap around dinner time, so i miss dinner and by the time I get up I can just say it's too late to eat. They don't question it much because I've always been a big napper.

I'm thinking that I'm not seeing a change in my weight because I"m putting on muscle from working out, which I suppose I don't mind because I would look better, look thinner and be in better shape despite the lack of  actual weight loss.

That or the scale is messed up. I raise this as a possibility because it has been giving me the exact same number of 129.8 every single time I weigh myself which strikes me as odd. You would think that it would reflect a natural fluctuation in weight, due to things such as hydration and such. I'm going to see if I can find a different scale, because I have been using my sisters scale.

Another possibility, I've hit a plateau. I really hope this is not the case because that would be hard to break out of.

Also, I finally decided to take my measurements:
Bust-36
Waist-27
Hips-37

I don't really know what to make of those measurements. I feel like they are quite large.
Although on a positive note  I am now a small in shirts and dresses, and a medium is too big.

I fucked up a bit

So I kinda fucked up last night. Well to be fair I guess I would say that it was more that I didn't stick to my plan and didn't make progress, rather than actually reversing my progress so I suppose it's not as bad as it seems in my head.

Alright so here is a recap of my night;

After driving home, my family and I were all just chatting away for awhile and then someone realized how late it was for dinner and decided on ordering pizza because it would be the quickest.

Now normally I would just say I wasn't hungry when they offered me pizza and that would work, which I did try, but because I had been in the car with my dad earlier and had been around them talking for awhile, they knew I hadn't eaten, and my dad also knew how I had turned down previous food offers that day, so they decided I should have something to eat.

I'm always concerned about letting my family find out about how weird I am about food and my body, as well as the kinda stuff I do because my older sister suffered from anorexia a little while back, to the point  where we had to intervene because it became quite dangerous. That's a whole other story that I'll probably get into later on, but the main point is I saw what seeing my sister like that did to my parents so I don't want to give them anything else to worry about.

For example there was one time I had strep throat and I lost weight and used the excuse of being sick to not eat much and continue losing weight. The problem with this was that my mom got all weird and upset when I was refusing to eat and I could just see the worry written across her face that it was happening all over again with her other daughter.

Either way because of all of that, I don't fight my parents when they think I should have something to eat. It's just not worth it and I don't want what I'm doing to hurt anyone. So I had a slice of pizza and I'm upset because that is a lot of calories, and I don't even like pizza that much (compared to most people).

I hated myself with every bite and really had to fight the urge to purge afterwards. I try to not purge because I only have to do it once to get caught in a cycle of it again, and it almost encourages or causes me to binge more because I think I can get rid of the food so it makes it okay or something. Sadly purging is never as effective as I'd like it to be so I still end up consuming a lot of calories this way.

So I guess not purging is the good thing about this whole day, which sounds like a strange thing to say, at least in my head, because of not getting rid of food and calories, but I'm thinking long term right now.

Then, I went out drinking with friends to a Christmas party, got fairly drunk and had a good time. For the drinks I had I used vodka, Perrier and ginger ale, which was what we had around the house, so they were fairly low cal drinks ( at least when considering alcoholic drinks), but I can't remember how many I had so I have no way to estimate how many calories I consumed.

This is the other reason I'm upset with myself.
I should know to keep track, or just not consume the calories at all.

After this I went home and everyone was asleep. Perfect. A drunken fool left unsupervised, around lots of food after resisting snacks all night.

Now picture me sitting on my bathroom floor with a slice of pizza and a bag of chips, drunken, wearing a slutty Santa outfit, chewing and spitting. Attractive no?

I glad I did the chew and spit thing rather than actually going on a binge, but I'd rather not have that food in my mouth at all, because I'm worried I'm secretly getting a lot of calories from it, and that it will give me a taste for it and I'll go on a crazy binge eating rampage.

This whole chewing and spitting thing is becoming more and more prevalent with me, especially when I'm drunk, within the past month or so.

Either way, another reason why I'm upset with myself, I felt like I let my guard down and I kinda lost control for a bit.

Overall, not entirely pleased with myself or my actions last night but whats done is done. My weight has not changed, as it likely would have if I had not acted the way I did, so I'm accepting that as the consequence of my actions and am going to use it as a reminded to stay strong, focused, and in control.

I did get up early and have a nice workout this morning though, so I feel like I"m on my way to fixing my fuck up.

Live and learn, right?

Done Exams and under 130!!!

Today is shaping up to be a fantastic day. I finished my final exam and managed to reach my goal to be under 130 by the end of exams.

I'm 129.8 right now but don't have a picture because my camera is packed but I'm going to post a more recent photo anyways.

My weight loss tracker says that I've lost 7.5 pounds in the past 2 weeks, so I'm really happy about that.

Not so coincidentally I started this blog a little over 2 weeks ago, so I attribute a lot of my progress to the support and inspiration I get from the people on here, so I want to send out a big thanks to everyone.

Anyways, I'm off to pack and then I have a lovely car ride home.

In 10 days I’ll be on my way to a tropical paradise

So lately I feel I’ve been a little obsessive over my weight and my goals but I always get a little crazy the closer I get to a deadline.

I would like to be at 125 for when I go on vacation over the holidays, because there are sure to be lots of pictures, I want to be comfortable with my body and the way I look, and it would be a fantastic way to celebrate the new year and my birthday (I’ll be turning 20 while away on the trip). I’m 131.4 now and I have 10 days left before I’ll be on the beach.

10 days. 6.4 pounds. Doable?

I hope so. Although I must say that if I had to go now the way I am it wouldn’t be the end of the world. I would definitely prefer to have reached my goal weight but I know things can happen and sometimes life gets in the way. I need to find a happy medium between restricting and indulging so I can enjoy myself and reach my goals simultaneously. That’s probably the hardest part for me. 

Salt Water Flush

I did a salt water flush yesterday. Not quite sure why. I just heard about how it can be good to detoxify your body or something and thought, “why not”, because I’ve done it before while on a fasting/restricting/clean eating kick.

 It worked and everything but now I feel headachy and bloated, which isn’t exactly what I was going for.

Every time I do stuff like that I always wonder what possessed me to do so, because it’s not like it was even necessary.  I just have this weird thought that I’m holding all these toxins and that it is going to stop me from losing weight, so I need to do a cleanse. I also rationalize this thought with the fact that people lose weight while on cleanses and when doing detox diets.

 Now, I know that the main reason these actually work is because these cleanses are generally fairly low cal and because it works to empty the stomach and the colon, so obviously someone will weigh less by the end of it. *Note: I’m not trying to discredit cleanses

Let me also mention that I have a very strong science background, and have taken university courses on human anatomy and physiology so I feel even more ridiculous for all of my crazy thoughts related to cleanses, and more generally, food and weight.

A friend turned reverse thinspo

Last night around dinner time a friend asks me to come out to dinner with her, and I agree despite not wanting to eat, especially not wanting to eat at a restaurant, because she is a good friend and I haven’t seen her for awhile and I was bored of studying.

 Now she is a very pretty girl, very intelligent and we complement each other nicely, so my only criticism of her would be her weight.

 She had always been bigger than I had been, but originally had been about average and steadily gained weight over the years like I did, and put on significantly more when she went off to university. She has always been dissatisfied with her body, but even more so recently, as she has noticed that nothing fits nicely and she is receiving significantly less male attention now (which bothers her a lot).

Either way, at dinner I couldn’t help but see her as a sort of reverse thinspo.

She spoke about how she hasn’t been working out and has just been lazing around eating whatever, and I hate to say it but it really shows.

Over the course of 2 hours she ate a medium pizza with extra cheese, bread soaked in olive oil and vinegar, chocolate cake with ice cream, and about a million pieces of my homemade fudge and sugar cookies that I had made for my housemates. When I only took a small piece of my bread and left the rest she asked to have mine when she finished hers. Also, the only reason she didn’t have alcohol too is because I made some excuse about not wanting to drink due to exams and she didn’t want to drink alone.

I know this seems like a stupid rant about a friend of mine but seeing what she ate and how she behaved towards food really did turn me off of food and wanting to be like that. I just saw it as unattractive, not being in control and seeming ruled by food and that is not what I want to be.

On a more positive note, I managed to survive that meal without putting on weight like I thought I would. She is very hard to be around because she is the worst influence when it comes to trying to eat healthy or restrict. I don’t know what I’m going to do over the Christmas break because I’m due to see her a lot.

 I’m also due to go to a lot of parties where everyone eats and drinks a lot, so I’m worried about what that is going to do to my progress. I know I can avoid the snacks and such because I can say I’m not hungry, but in the past I’ve always been up for a party, having a couple drinks and just having fun so I feel that it would be very out of character for me to not drink. 

30 pounds

When I compare this photo of me now and then (which was the end of January) I realize how much happier I am now.

 I remember not wanting to look in the mirror at my body because I hated it, I remember all my clothes being too tight, and I remember feeling fat. I wasn’t always heavy, before I was an average size and then ballooned over a period of about 3 years, hitting my highest around the end of January.

At the same time though I don’t think I realized just how large I had gotten until the very end. This “before” picture of me was actually part of what spurred the realization that my weight had gotten out of hand, because I was now “the fat girl” in pictures, as I was clearly the largest out of all my friends, and significantly so. Also, I had run out of ways to hide my expanding body, as I couldn’t even hide the fact that I was fat with a baggy shirt and jeans, which normally can help to hide a few extra pounds.

 I look back now and wonder how I let myself get to that point, but I realize that it can just creep up. I was busy with school, I had a boyfriend who I spent a lot of time with, so I didn’t notice whether I was getting male attention or not, plus I ate what he ate (aka lots of junk food and heavy meals), I had just moved away from home, lived in rez and had caf meals, then I lived on my own in an apartment and could eat whatever I wanted because I was doing my own groceries and cooking, I was drinking more, and I wasn’t working out. It seems obvious why I gained weight, and especially why I got as heavy as I did but if it’s not something at the forefront of your mind it can happen.

Now that I feel as though I’ve been there and back I can definitely say that it’s not a place I want to ever go again. It’s not just the fact that I didn’t like the way I looked, it was also the place I was in psychologically.  I prefer to look in the mirror and think contently to myself that I’m making progress and feel motivated because my goal is within reach, rather than looking in the mirror and hating myself.

 I still have work to do before I reach my goal but at least I have some internal motivation to keep me on track.