30 pounds

When I compare this photo of me now and then (which was the end of January) I realize how much happier I am now.

 I remember not wanting to look in the mirror at my body because I hated it, I remember all my clothes being too tight, and I remember feeling fat. I wasn’t always heavy, before I was an average size and then ballooned over a period of about 3 years, hitting my highest around the end of January.

At the same time though I don’t think I realized just how large I had gotten until the very end. This “before” picture of me was actually part of what spurred the realization that my weight had gotten out of hand, because I was now “the fat girl” in pictures, as I was clearly the largest out of all my friends, and significantly so. Also, I had run out of ways to hide my expanding body, as I couldn’t even hide the fact that I was fat with a baggy shirt and jeans, which normally can help to hide a few extra pounds.

 I look back now and wonder how I let myself get to that point, but I realize that it can just creep up. I was busy with school, I had a boyfriend who I spent a lot of time with, so I didn’t notice whether I was getting male attention or not, plus I ate what he ate (aka lots of junk food and heavy meals), I had just moved away from home, lived in rez and had caf meals, then I lived on my own in an apartment and could eat whatever I wanted because I was doing my own groceries and cooking, I was drinking more, and I wasn’t working out. It seems obvious why I gained weight, and especially why I got as heavy as I did but if it’s not something at the forefront of your mind it can happen.

Now that I feel as though I’ve been there and back I can definitely say that it’s not a place I want to ever go again. It’s not just the fact that I didn’t like the way I looked, it was also the place I was in psychologically.  I prefer to look in the mirror and think contently to myself that I’m making progress and feel motivated because my goal is within reach, rather than looking in the mirror and hating myself.

 I still have work to do before I reach my goal but at least I have some internal motivation to keep me on track.