I fucked up a bit

So I kinda fucked up last night. Well to be fair I guess I would say that it was more that I didn't stick to my plan and didn't make progress, rather than actually reversing my progress so I suppose it's not as bad as it seems in my head.

Alright so here is a recap of my night;

After driving home, my family and I were all just chatting away for awhile and then someone realized how late it was for dinner and decided on ordering pizza because it would be the quickest.

Now normally I would just say I wasn't hungry when they offered me pizza and that would work, which I did try, but because I had been in the car with my dad earlier and had been around them talking for awhile, they knew I hadn't eaten, and my dad also knew how I had turned down previous food offers that day, so they decided I should have something to eat.

I'm always concerned about letting my family find out about how weird I am about food and my body, as well as the kinda stuff I do because my older sister suffered from anorexia a little while back, to the point  where we had to intervene because it became quite dangerous. That's a whole other story that I'll probably get into later on, but the main point is I saw what seeing my sister like that did to my parents so I don't want to give them anything else to worry about.

For example there was one time I had strep throat and I lost weight and used the excuse of being sick to not eat much and continue losing weight. The problem with this was that my mom got all weird and upset when I was refusing to eat and I could just see the worry written across her face that it was happening all over again with her other daughter.

Either way because of all of that, I don't fight my parents when they think I should have something to eat. It's just not worth it and I don't want what I'm doing to hurt anyone. So I had a slice of pizza and I'm upset because that is a lot of calories, and I don't even like pizza that much (compared to most people).

I hated myself with every bite and really had to fight the urge to purge afterwards. I try to not purge because I only have to do it once to get caught in a cycle of it again, and it almost encourages or causes me to binge more because I think I can get rid of the food so it makes it okay or something. Sadly purging is never as effective as I'd like it to be so I still end up consuming a lot of calories this way.

So I guess not purging is the good thing about this whole day, which sounds like a strange thing to say, at least in my head, because of not getting rid of food and calories, but I'm thinking long term right now.

Then, I went out drinking with friends to a Christmas party, got fairly drunk and had a good time. For the drinks I had I used vodka, Perrier and ginger ale, which was what we had around the house, so they were fairly low cal drinks ( at least when considering alcoholic drinks), but I can't remember how many I had so I have no way to estimate how many calories I consumed.

This is the other reason I'm upset with myself.
I should know to keep track, or just not consume the calories at all.

After this I went home and everyone was asleep. Perfect. A drunken fool left unsupervised, around lots of food after resisting snacks all night.

Now picture me sitting on my bathroom floor with a slice of pizza and a bag of chips, drunken, wearing a slutty Santa outfit, chewing and spitting. Attractive no?

I glad I did the chew and spit thing rather than actually going on a binge, but I'd rather not have that food in my mouth at all, because I'm worried I'm secretly getting a lot of calories from it, and that it will give me a taste for it and I'll go on a crazy binge eating rampage.

This whole chewing and spitting thing is becoming more and more prevalent with me, especially when I'm drunk, within the past month or so.

Either way, another reason why I'm upset with myself, I felt like I let my guard down and I kinda lost control for a bit.

Overall, not entirely pleased with myself or my actions last night but whats done is done. My weight has not changed, as it likely would have if I had not acted the way I did, so I'm accepting that as the consequence of my actions and am going to use it as a reminded to stay strong, focused, and in control.

I did get up early and have a nice workout this morning though, so I feel like I"m on my way to fixing my fuck up.

Live and learn, right?